Twelve + One: regrets..


Sunday, February 26, 2006

regrets..

have you ever made a decision to do/not to do something; and at that time, that decision seemed like the correct one but then one day you realise that it is, in fact, the most horribly wrong decision you could ever have made and u KICK yourself so damn hard for it?!well...i have.

some people make lotsa bad decisions but fortunately for them, its just over small things and they get over it..sorta...i mean..life goes on rite?but SOME other people..hardly ever have regrets and they have a happy-happy-free- im-alive-and-in-tune-with-the-universe life...BUT...here comes the big BUT...when they make wrong decisions, theyre usually detrimental and it changes their lives forever..and theyre stuck moping and thinking of their regrets for a long time.

GUESS WHAT??ur frend here is the second type of person. which sucks.ok.in my life..I HAVE TWO BIGGEST REGRETS THAT I WILL REMEMBER FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.yeah..shake ur head and say.."only two arh..cheh..tot she had a million"..but i tell you,those two.whoar...if i was a weaker person..i would have like..killed myself ady man.ok the first regret..yeah i do regret it...but i have come to terms with it.its not like i didnt try or anything for that...yeah its still a freaking big regret that changed me but...thats not the regret thats eating me up insde now.

REGRET #1:
that i did not save my first relationship.wait a sec.no.the regret is that i even let it slip.that relationship is something i will always treasure and it hurts that the other person came away feeling bitter and hurt.for over 5 years..i was hung up on that...and then i finally realised.cant do nothing.no turning back now.and ive finally come to terms with it..yeah this is where everyone goes..(FINALLY)

its like...if i did try to say i was sorry rather than just avoid the entire topic and playing it over in my head..if i just sat down one day and talked about it.if i didnt piss the person off in the first place.if the 18 yr old mind of enli was in tht 14 year old mind of enli.it mightve worked out.MIGHT HAVE.keep in mind..its not tht ive gotten over it..cuz u dont get over regrets.u just..well..rmb them with sadness but u kno theres nothing u can do about it. the word 'if' also works very well when someone talks about regrets.

yes.that was my very first regret.and i still do regret now.but u kno..u can laff it off and say..immature la...cinta monyet ..puppy love..say what u want..but tht incident cut me deep.

on a funnier note...i dont love the person no more.its just a damn regret that i just wish i could erase..oh wells.at leaast the frendship..whatever little there is...is kind o back on track...so..

REGRET #2:

NOW this one. this is the one that made me start thinking about regrets in the first place.LIM EN-LI IC REGRETS THAT SHE DID NOT BUG HER PARENTS MORE TO ALLOW HER TO GO TO CONCORD.yup its that issue again.thot i was over it.but i guess not.its damn effing pisssing off to hear about ppl who dont effing deserve to be there..who dont even fit in the concord(yeah i kno i sound damn mean here)culture.not gonna name any names...NIGEL is one..but theres one other one...that i shall not name here.because hell yeah its daaaaamn mean of me.cuz he doesnt even wanna be there in the first place...thats why i think he so wasting his moms time n money.yeah im pissed at him cuz he jus laughed at me n sed i told u so when i called him n was crying on the fon abt this.some boyfrend rite.but he doesnt understand..n u dont think any of u guys do.

all the thoughts..all the dreams...with siangloong and istee..walking in the winter....being freezed outta my mind...i tell u..every friday for the last year i went out wit siangloong in between tuition and the topics would be: interact, leo, concord.most of all the last one....we were tokin about all the stuff we could do...like watch TVB dramas.sucker hes doin that without me..and all the fun things we could do.can u imagine.one year of dreams..and in the last two months...it gets dashed.just like that.and the worst thing is..i didnt do anything.i myself thot.hey yeah..it is kinda expensive.so i dint do much abt my parents deciding not to go.to be fair...NIGEL DID TELL ME SO.he was like..come on la..beg ur parents...but i wa slike..i dunt jus wanna go because ur there.

i s.w.e.a.r.this goes way further than boyfrend business...ask siangloong la..all the stuff we laffed about when we tokked abt concrd..how we would all go to town..how ding shyong would piss me off.and how...yeah..all the dreams. the pain when i think about...im nto expecting u guys to understand.bet u all are like..enli give it a rest..theres nothing u can do about it...THATS THE POINT.im sad because theres nothing i can do about it.and to me..its the worst kind of feeling in the world.knowing u want somthing done in ur life...but also knowing that theres no way in heaven(or hell) u can do it.

argh.it hurts so much when people tell me what theyre doing.but the thing is.im dying to know..because its like..what i could have done..yeah i kno its like im putting myself into this.i cant help it.i want to know.its like..my hearts there.in concord.and i dont mean it in a sappy sense jus cuz nigels there..its serously there...like for instance..in lit class..ill be like..wouldnt it be great if i ws studying this in england..the origins. and i kno u uk ppl are hating the cold..but....i would give ANYTHING in this world to be where you are right now.ANYTHING.

JUS GIVE ME ONE LETTER SAYING THAT I CAN GO TO CONCORD n i will jump on the next freaking plane.come on man..i even dream abt the effing place man...n making chicken soup wit sl n the others. on and a hlaf months n ud think id be over it eh.but nope.wrong-oh.i aint over it. and i think its gonna be a loooonggg time bfore i actually get over it.maybe the onething i CAN do to make myself feel better is to stop thinking about it..and stop talkig to anyone who has ANY connection wit concord.sorry.harsh.but..its damn painful..i mean..its not painful at that moment in time..cuz i do miss u all..but after that..its like..crap.i wish iw as there. istee.i wish i was doing the dikir barat wit u n sue anne. i wish i could eat the potatoes that u are soo sick of. i wish i could have gone shopping wit u guys at the 5 pound shop.i wish i couldve taken the train down to london. i wish i could watch football games at normal times, rather than wake up at 3 30 am to watch.

I WISH I WAS NOT HERE IN MALAYSIA IN MY ROOM TYPING THIS.

I WISH I WAS MISSING YOU ALL WHEN IM SHIVERING IN UK.

I WISH I COULD BE SHOCKED WHENEVER I BUY SOMTHING AND TIMES IT BY 7.

I WISH I MISSED THE SUN.

I WISH I NEVER WENT TO TAYLORS.

I WISH THAT I COULD GO BACK IN TIME, RESIT THE DAMN SPM PAPER IF I HAVE TO AND TELL MY PARENTS THAT I WANTED TO GO TO CONCORD SO BADLY.

I WISH I DID NOT HAVE FRENDS AND A BOYFREND WHO IS IN CONCORD LIVING OUT MY DREAMS.

but most of all.

I WISH AND WISH WITH ALL MY MIGHT....THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING I COULD DO ABOUT THIS MESS.


but..here comes the sad truth.there is NOTHING i can do.absolutely nothing.yup.truth hurts.

-princess-

posted by -princess- @ 7:39 PM   2 comments